Snuff's Enough, Y'all


BLECH!  What was that?  I spit repeatedly into the nearby flower bed, trying desperately to get the taste out of my mouth.  Not caring that the boy I just kissed was standing right there.  I looked up from my wretch-fest to the biggest Cheshire grin you ever saw. “What’s the big deal?" he said.  "It’s just dip.”  Come again?
For those of you not from Texas, dip is code for chewing tobacco or snuff.
That’s right, my first kiss, at the ripe age of 15, was with a can of Skoal.  What kind of boy has a dip in his mouth when he goes in for a kiss?  The kind that I know all too well, unfortunately, growing up around these parts.
The type who learned to dip at an all-boys’ summer camp in the Hill Country, where 9 and 10 year olds sit around the campfire singing “Dixie” and “Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother” instead of “Cumbaya.”  Where coming-of-age enlightenment meant learning to cuss, dip and spit, and show it all off in front of his buddies. 
I propose that spit cup etiquette be included in that education, such as, don’t leave one sitting around for a poor, unsuspecting young girl to mistake for iced tea.  Yep, that was me, too.  I have a lifelong hate/hate relationship with dip spit.
It’s a wonder that I didn’t just give up and decide to go play for the other team.  But this was the 80s, pre-Katy Perry, and kissing a girl and liking it was totally not en vogue.  Still.  I think most would have understood my plight.
But no, I kept on chasing after the classic Texas frat-boy-type, with the snuff in his mouth, and the outline of the can worn into the back pocket of his Wranglers.
After several more negative encounters with Red Man and Copenhagen, I swore off cowboy types forever and flip-flopped over to the Euro-inspired (today we call them metrosexual), Morrissey-loving intellectual types.  But that didn’t turn out so well, either.  They had their own vices that may not have been as repulsive as dip spit, but every bit as insane and self-desecrating.
But this story has a happy ending, I am delighted to report.  Luckily, I found a man who, although attended said boys' camp, neither dips, spits in a cup, nor has any other crazy habit.  Unless you count putting on his pajamas at 7:00 p.m., but that’s not really crazy.  Just lame.
When asked his opinions on dipping, he replied, “I never liked it because it made me dizzy and nauseous.  And it’s gross.”  Ding, ding, ding, sold!
As for that first kiss all those years ago, the kisser was unfortunately diagnosed with mouth cancer (see, it’s not only nasty, but really bad for you).  But everything turned out fine, thankfully, and he is presumably now dispensing dip-free kisses all over womankind. 
And reflecting back on that kiss with a glass-is-half-full attitude, I can say this: at least it was Wintergreen.
read to be read at yeahwrite.me

Comments

  1. Oh-my-gag-a-rifc! I kinda threw up in my mouth a little when you drank the dip spit. And again when I typed it. Nastiest habit ever...

    And I'm glad you found someone who thinks it is as gross as you do.

    Ugh-blech-barf-gag... No, I don't have a strong opinion about this...

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    1. Ha! Yep, it'a all pretty stomach-churning. Glad I don't have to dodge those "iced tea" cups anymore.

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  2. Great post! I am writing this in my pajamas, which I wear all-day, daily (work from home) - and you can tell your husband I am WAY lamer than he is! :) Also? My husband quit chewing THE DAY we started dating. You know, back when we were 17. Isn't that the sweetest thing ever? :)

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    1. Ha! Well, I confess to spending too much time in my pjs, too, so I guess I shouldn't come down on him too hard. I just find that he puts his pjs on early to get out of doing things like taking out the trash, answering the door, etc.

      Your Hubby is a good man for cutting that out. You, too, could have been the victim of the iced tea trap :)

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  3. I used to smoke and my hubby told me it was like kissing an ashtray. Before I kicked the habit I used to be so insulted. Now I can't even smell a cig without gagging. I get it. I totally get it now.

    I'm sorry you had to kiss that!

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    1. Yep, when you're on the receiving end, it's not so great! :)

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  4. I grew up south of the Red River and know exactly what breed of boys you are talking about.

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    1. Yes, they're quite abundant, aren't they?? :)

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  5. This was great. I went to SMU and thankfully escaped a kiss with some homegrown frat boys with nary a hint of tobacco.

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    1. Thank you! Glad you escaped...smart girl!

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  6. Dip drives me crazy! I see such young guys using it and I just want to shake them. I'm glad your first kiss beat mouth cancer and that you found a man who enjoys having taste buds.

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    1. My mission in life is to keep my own son from the depths of Skoal-hell, although I am sure I cannot shield him completely.

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  7. I don't how anyone can chew that stuff. Just the thought of it makes me gag.

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  8. Thanks for sharing this hilarious story. You had me giggling over the title and image alone.

    If it makes you feel any better, I've drunk out of a Solo cup turned ashtray before. Gag!

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    1. Yes, it was a Solo cup, in my case, too! Yuck! :)

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  9. As a native Georgian, I can definitely relate! :)

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  10. girl, there ain't nothing wrong with a 7 pm PJ time :) bleh. so gross, but so glad you found one with out all the 'snuff.

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    1. I hear you about the pjs. But I had to come up with something annoying about my husband, and that's what popped into my head, lol!

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  11. Well, I might be the only one who ended up with a Northern suburban husband with this habit. Oh well, I'll take him anyway. He more than makes up in other ways. :-)

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    1. Well...it's better than smoking, in my opinion! :)

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  12. I laughed at the lame comment too. But hey, if that's the worst you could come up with about him, you 'done good'. ;) Enjoyable read!

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  13. Ewwwwww! I'm cracking up at your last line. Love it!

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    1. Wintergreen...the only saving grace! :)

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  14. This makes me home sick. I have kissed so many boy w dip. It's terrible. God I miss Texas and Jesuit and the hill country. Your humor is a huge gift.

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    1. Come back anytime! Nothing has changed much, even those Jesuit boys! :) Thank you for the compliment!

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  15. Oh, blech! Fortunately I've never had that experience!

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  16. That would be the most disgusting experience ever. Who the hell kisses with dip? That's like kissing with a lit cigarette while taking a puff.

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    1. Yeah, it is a nasty thing alright. Not conducive to kissing at all.

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  17. Yuck yuck yuck!
    At least you got a memorable story out of the whole ordeal! ;-)

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    1. Yep, and I'm milking it for all it's worth! :)

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  18. Oh disgusting! That was always such an awful habit sooo many guys in our parts have in their younger days.

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    1. Some of my husband's friends still do it. Yuck!!!

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  19. HAHA!!! That is perfection!

    Girl, I gotta say though I've never had a dip-kiss. And I'm a Texas girl from the word go. Always have been...always will be.

    And I love me some Texas boys. But I will be the first to tell you...he'll get a big punch right in the neck if he goes in for the kiss with a dip in his lip.

    Won't. Hesitate.

    You're a doll! Wintergreen...I love it!

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